Don't be afraid to ask questions....


It's kind of interesting, I'll see people after I had my tattoo done and they'll ask me is that new? I love it, but why Pooh Bear? So as I start to explain that I have this tattoo in remembrance of my younger brother, who's nickname was Pooh Bear, right away, by the look on their faces, I can see that they think they made a mistake by asking me about it. And they'll say they're sorry and sorry for asking. My reaction? Please!!!! Don't be afraid to ask, PLEASE ask! I love to talk about Bill. I want to explain why I have this. I have this for me and nobody else. I love it because I look at it a lot and Bill WILL always be with me. Maybe not in the same sense, but in my heart he will be.

Lately my head has been just a complete mess. I feel like my thoughts and emotions are like those last few popcorn kernels in an popcorn machine just bouncing all over the place. I can't seem to make any sense of some things. I'm mad, happy, then angry, then I'll cry and then I laugh because I'm crying in the car all alone on my way to work. Then I'm sad....seriously sad. I know these are emotions I have to get through in order to be the person I use to be. Will I ever be that same person? I will never know. Maybe my new "good" Jill will be a different Jill. I was looking at some pictures that were taken prior to my niece being diagnosed with colon cancer and before Bill died. There is a difference in the smiles. My smiles and eyes were genuine, fun, full of laughter and look as if I were having the time of my life. Now? Yes, I'm smiling, but it's different. There is sadness in those eyes, pain in my heart and it shows. Am I feeling guilty for being alive? Guilty for laughing? I shouldn't be because if the shoe were on the other foot, I wouldn't want Bill to be miserable. I would want him to go on living, remember the good times. I am doing the best I can one day at a time.

I do know for a fact, I can't try to fill that void, I will miss all the joy that is out there. I need to build myself back up to that friend and the sister that he loved. I want to be there for my family and friends. I do believe in signs, a HUGE believer in them. I just wish he was sending me more of them. Or....maybe I'm not seeing them. I did however have a dream last week, he and I were in a room together and he was so upset. All he could tell me is that I am the only one that understood him. And then he was gone. I know there is so much more that I wanted to say in this post, but for now, this IS all I can say. 

I know that I will ever get over the grief of losing Bill. I'll just have to learn to live with it. This is a part of life. I know, I've been there many many times.....

💜💜💜

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