Beanie Bits

Last night I had all of my dearest friends over for some wine and appetizers. It was the right amount of people as everyone knows each other from living in the neighborhood. Even my friend Lisa was here, who is currently over seas in Turkey.  She was on leave for some Marine drill she had to do in Hawaii and then was able to finish early and came to hang with me for a few days. Perfect timing because I needed to just see her and hang out with her. No constant asking "are you ok?" "How are you doing today?" I understand people are concerned and care about me. That I get, and so appreciate. But when it's constant and daily, it REALLY REALLY gets on my nerves. I almost want to scream out I AM FINE, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! But I know I'm not and I would never do this. So, back to last night, it felt good to laugh, I mean REALLY laugh like I haven't in a long time. I think I am blessed a million times over to have the friends I do, SERIOUSLY!! You never re

It's a brand new day and a brand new week. And as for my emotions right now? I'm not sure what I am feeling. Today I just feel like I'm in limbo somewhere in purgatory. I have noticed one thing, I don't seem to be crying as often. But when I do, I seem to make up for lost time. One thing for sure, my husband has been my rock. I watch him feeling pained not knowing what to do for me. I know he wants to "fix" me to make me all better again. He gives me the space I need to heal from this broken heart. I don't know how I would get through this without him. I tell him "thank you" for just being there with me. Just sitting on the couch, not forcing me to talk about it. He's asked me a couple of times if I would like to talk about it. But it seems when someone asks me, my mind kind of goes blank and I just wouldn't even know where to begin or what to say. He just kisses my forehead and goes about my business and covers me with a blanket i

It's kind of interesting, I'll see people after I had my tattoo done and they'll ask me is that new? I love it, but why Pooh Bear? So as I start to explain that I have this tattoo in remembrance of my younger brother, who's nickname was Pooh Bear, right away, by the look on their faces, I can see that they think they made a mistake by asking me about it. And they'll say they're sorry and sorry for asking. My reaction? Please!!!! Don't be afraid to ask, PLEASE ask! I love to talk about Bill. I want to explain why I have this. I have this for me and nobody else. I love it because I look at it a lot and Bill WILL always be with me. Maybe not in the same sense, but in my heart he will be. Lately my head has been just a complete mess. I feel like my thoughts and emotions are like those last few popcorn kernels in an popcorn machine just bouncing all over the place. I can't seem to make any sense of some things. I'm mad, happy, then angry, then I&

Monday funday and it's off to work I go! I hope everyone had a great weekend. I didn't get half the stuff accomplished that I had wanted to but I can always look at it from the bright side, at least I'm NOT a Vikings fan! Go Pack Go 💚💛💚

My current mood....feeling like ACK! I don't even know if that's a word or not.  My head feels like it's swimming somewhere else today and I just don't feel like me. I am beginning to wonder if I'll ever feel like me. However, I do know I will eventually, I have to be patient. I'm lucky enough to have a husband that is there for me. I know he is struggling too because he feels helpless and wants to be there and just doesn't know what to do for me or how to even do it, say whatever it is that needs to be said. But knowing he IS there for me helps me a lot. Expressing myself on my feelings has never been easy. I would rather write it out, hence the blog, or just show emotions. However, if I have to cry, I usually end up saving that for when I'm alone. But then there are times when I just can't hold it in. Then the flood gates open and then they shut just as fast. My friends all tell me to call them if I need someone to talk to. Sometimes it's jus

Grief is a funny word that, in my option has no true definition. One can grieve over so many things. Loss of a job, loved one, relationship, friendships, pets, a former life style, your health, trouble, the list just goes on. And how long does one grieve? What's allowable and when do you realize that you really need to get over it?  When I started dating, serious dating in my early 20's, I always have said, "if something were to happen to you, I'd be sad and heart broken. But if anything ever happened to my little brother, I don't think I'll ever recover from it." Well, I am living in those words. Among us siblings, we always thought our brother Bill would be the first to go. He had a problem with years of alcoholism, substance abuse and just a reckless life. We had always dreaded the day that we would get that call. I was the one that had to make that call on May 31st to his children, my sister Polly and my brother Tom and to other close family m

It's Friday and the weekend is here! Not that it matters since I am no longer working full time. BUT....football season has started. One of my favorite times of the year. I can banter with my family that are (GAG) Bears, Cowboys and Vikings fans. I swear they must have been switched at birth or dropped on their head. But anywhooo....it's all good.  Going to dinner tonight with some friends to one of my most FAVORITE places, outside of Italy for some great Italian food. Bencotto's in Little Italy. I'd starve myself all day if I could so I could pig out but I'm afraid my stomach would shrink and I wouldn't be able to eat as much. But that's ok, because their food makes for a great leftover meal.   Other than that, I'm going to make the most of my day because it's a good day to be alive. Peace and love 💟💟💟

Many years ago, when I was very active in the blogging along with everyone else, we would always do the HNT, well, I can rest assure you that's not going to happen. And now in the world of Instagram and Facebook, we have TBT. That I have no problem with. Yes, these will all be related to my brother Bill and some of my favorite past photos. I can rest assure you that all of the posts are not going to be depressing. I loved my brother Bill with all of my being and people that knew us together can understand that. Today is going to be a rough day, as it's my second week that I haven't been able to talk to my grief counselor. Even though I've only had maybe 4 sessions with her, she really truly has made an impact on my emotions and that what I am going through is perfectly normal. After all, grieving has no time limit. I've seen other posts saying, if you could spend one day or one afternoon with a person, dead or alive, who would it be with? My response is always to be

Recently my younger brother Bill had passed away in a tragic car accident. This happened on Friday, May 31st 2018. I'll never forget that moment for the rest of my life. The pain I felt was like no other pain I had ever felt before. He was the baby of the family, but also the most troubled of us siblings. He struggled with a life long feeling of rejection starting with our mother. Yes, our mother. Now don't get me wrong, I loved my mom with all of my heart, she did the best she could. She became a widow in 1972 with 4 children. Our father died at a very young age, he was diagnosed with cancer before I was born in 1961. He was 47, my mom was 42. My sister was already in college starting a life of her own, my older brother was a senior in high school and would soon be off to college. So it was pretty much myself and younger brother. I was 10 and he was 3 1/2. My mom loved us without a doubt, but her world had been rocked and I can't even imagine what it was like for her, as I