What is grief?

Grief is a funny word that, in my option has no true definition. One can grieve over so many things. Loss of a job, loved one, relationship, friendships, pets, a former life style, your health, trouble, the list just goes on. And how long does one grieve? What's allowable and when do you realize that you really need to get over it? 

When I started dating, serious dating in my early 20's, I always have said, "if something were to happen to you, I'd be sad and heart broken. But if anything ever happened to my little brother, I don't think I'll ever recover from it." Well, I am living in those words. Among us siblings, we always thought our brother Bill would be the first to go. He had a problem with years of alcoholism, substance abuse and just a reckless life. We had always dreaded the day that we would get that call. I was the one that had to make that call on May 31st to his children, my sister Polly and my brother Tom and to other close family members. I happened to be on fb one day and saw a photo of a car accident and read the caption that the dump truck driver was ok, but the man driving the SUV that hit the truck head on didn't make it. I made a comment that I was sorry for his families loss of life. Little did I know that 10 min. later, after calling my cousin on the Burlington Rescue Squad that I found out it was my brother Bill. He knew he couldn't be the one to tell me the news but I am happy it was him and not a stranger. I will never forget that gut wrenching feeling and the overwhelming moment that I could hardly breath. I couldn't even cry it was so surreal.  I thought to myself, NO! This is not true, please say it's not true. I made those calls and I hope I never have to do it again. I now know how hard it was for my sister to have to share the news to me when our mother passed away 7 years ago. There is no easy way around it. The rest of the day I was numb, I don't remember much about it or who even came to see me or called. 

So here I am 3 1/2 months later, the pain is just as real as it was then. I know I have a long way to go before....before what? I'm normal again? This is my new normal. The void, the emptiness of hearing that big old goof ball, all 6'4" and 275 pounds of him giggle like a little girl. His crazy jokes we would share with each other and all of the politically incorrect jokes we would text to each other. The calls during the Packer games, this list could go on and on. I do have one saving grace, I have his last text message he sent and I was able to save his voicemail to me wishing me a happy birthday. 

I think the our family is having a hard time with this grieving is because 2 months before our brother's death, my sister's daughter, Sally and 35 years of age,  was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer. It's spread throughout her liver, lungs and lymph nodes. That also came out of the blue...SERIOUSLY out of nowhere. Sally had no symptoms other than some abdominal pain and constipation, which she went to the ER for. Thinking she was just constipated. Within moments, her grieving started as well as my sister's and the rest of the family. This is another form of grieving. The life that use to be, healthy, care free lifestyle, the "new normal." She currently is in treatment and as soon as that is done, she's looking to see what else is out there. She has less than 11% chance to beat this cancer and live 2 years past the initial diagnosis. We're already 6 months into that 2 years. So we grieve that we know one day, we will again get that call.

Death is a part of life, there is no getting out of it alive. I guess this is where we just have to live in the moment. Enjoy your days, eat that piece of cake, enjoy that lazy day in your pj's, watch that movie, eat that one more piece of whatever....JUST LIVE! Remember you are loved by someone.

💗

Jillie Bean