My current mood!

My current mood....feeling like ACK! I don't even know if that's a word or not.  My head feels like it's swimming somewhere else today and I just don't feel like me. I am beginning to wonder if I'll ever feel like me. However, I do know I will eventually, I have to be patient. I'm lucky enough to have a husband that is there for me. I know he is struggling too because he feels helpless and wants to be there and just doesn't know what to do for me or how to even do it, say whatever it is that needs to be said. But knowing he IS there for me helps me a lot. Expressing myself on my feelings has never been easy. I would rather write it out, hence the blog, or just show emotions. However, if I have to cry, I usually end up saving that for when I'm alone. But then there are times when I just can't hold it in. Then the flood gates open and then they shut just as fast. My friends all tell me to call them if I need someone to talk to. Sometimes it's just not that easy. I get on the phone and then nothing comes out, just yeah, I know, I'll be ok. Just not in the mood to talk. Joanna, comes back soon. I hope! I never thought in a million years that I could become this dependent on someone to help me through my grief. But trust me on this one, it really does work!!! I do know I have a long way to go. Funny, I remember after my first session, thinking to myself "I'll have this licked in a couple of sessions and then I'll be as good as new." Boy was I wrong. I think because talking to Joanna, and thank you to my husband Robert for knowing such an awesome therapist, she has me at such ease and things just come rolling off the tongue. My blogging helps me get it out of me as well. I know a lot of this may not make sense to you or anyone else. But it does to me and that's what it's here for. Just like everything comes floating up to the top of my brain and I can't get it out fast enough. Some of it may jump all over the place and you may think "what or where is this coming from?" 

I showed my blogs to my husband last night, he said he didn't feel the need to "have to read it." I told him I wanted him too. That's why I was showing it to him. He enjoyed it and then had a hard time when reading about Sally. We're ALL having a hard time when it comes to Sally. She is fighting like she has never fought before. She has never been one to give up even when everyone else has, none of has and nor will we ever EVER give up. She has 2 more chemo to go and then she and her husband will be taking a trip and she's going to eat sushi until she grows gills!!

Last night I had some really crazy ass dreams. And trust me when it comes to dreams, mine are at the top of the Richter scale WIERD! Seriously weird! But last night, I felt like everyone of them were a nightmare. They all involved people from my past that have been or were nothing but bad for me. Not in a way that I would get in to trouble with, but BAD...treated me bad. The ones that verbally abused me, the ones that made me feel like I could never accomplish anything, the ones that made me feel useless. Maybe that's the reason why I'm feeling the way I am this morning? I don't know. But it doesn't feel good. Because I know I AM a good person, I AM a smart person and I know I CAN do things. I feel like a flower that has been put on a pedestal, and my water has evaporated and I'm starting to wilt.....😞

The roller coaster of life is not always about the thrill of it all, it's about knowing when you're at your lowest, you can rise above it and enjoy that ride.

                                                     Love and Peace my friends,
                                                                Jillie Bean