Just trying to figure things out

Recently my younger brother Bill had passed away in a tragic car accident. This happened on Friday, May 31st 2018. I'll never forget that moment for the rest of my life. The pain I felt was like no other pain I had ever felt before. He was the baby of the family, but also the most troubled of us siblings. He struggled with a life long feeling of rejection starting with our mother. Yes, our mother. Now don't get me wrong, I loved my mom with all of my heart, she did the best she could. She became a widow in 1972 with 4 children. Our father died at a very young age, he was diagnosed with cancer before I was born in 1961. He was 47, my mom was 42. My sister was already in college starting a life of her own, my older brother was a senior in high school and would soon be off to college. So it was pretty much myself and younger brother. I was 10 and he was 3 1/2. My mom loved us without a doubt, but her world had been rocked and I can't even imagine what it was like for her, as I don't have children myself. She made some bad choices, and with those bad choices, it left Bill and I "alone" and this was where we truly bonded. Our saving grace was our sister Polly who was more of a mom to us than our real mom. While our father was sick, my mom had to work to help provide and Polly took care of us. As she did when my mom met her second husband. Polly made sure we were taken care of on the weekends. Bill's next struggle came with addiction to numb the pain of rejection. He struggled with alcohol, cocaine, opiates and who knows what else. This is only what I am aware of. I/we tried to help him and save him more times than we could count. He was our brother, our baby brother. We loved him without a doubt because before the addiction took over, he was truly the sweetest person on earth. He was a big giant teddy bear with a giggle I will miss every day of my life. His nick name was Pooh Bear, as my dad actually wanted to name him that.....SERIOUSLY!

So this is the opening of who knows what, but we shall see. My heart will never be the same, or at least some days it feels like that. But this will be my journey through healing and writing to get it all out. I hope with some of these posts, and some will by funny, they will make you laugh or even cry. We'll all have to lose someone sometime and that as they say is life.

So until my next post, enjoy your day and make the most out of every minute!
Jillie

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