Beanie Bits

Today is your birthday and it kills me that I can't call you and sing to you in my horrific tone deaf voice, or find a song a play it on your voice mail that you really hate. Instead, I will look to the skies, know that you're probably having the best birthday ever. There are days that I know I am really healing from the inside out, then today happens and the pain is just a raw as it was close to 6 months ago. I know that I have to go on living for you, but I need to go on living for myself. And I know I would expect the same of you or any one else if the situation was different. I love you little bro, and I miss you terribly. Your big sis, Jillie

Good morning everyone! I am so excited to say tomorrow my 60 mile walk begins. Yes, I am excited to torture my body into walking but it is a cause that is so very near and dear to my heart. It's something that I look forward to every year. This is year number 13 for me. It may sound like a lot of years, and I seem to think so as well, but there are many others that have walk a lot more than I have. AND, harder walks as in fighting cancer. All cancers suck, not just breast cancer. This picture is from last years walk. I look back on some of these amazing journeys and I wonder to myself, since 2006, how many steps have I taken with training walks included? I try not to think of that because that will just make my feet hurt...LOL. I have so many good memories of these walks and mainly because I met my most BEST friend ever in the entire world, Lisa. She has been there for me through thick and thin. She's been my biggest cheerleader and always motivating me when I felt like I

So I seem to finding myself being a bit happier as the days move on. I know from the inside out, I am healing. Slowly but surely, I know I am going to be ok. And you know what? It's ok to feel that way. I no longer find myself feeling mad or upset at myself if I should start to laugh a little louder or a little more often. And I'm not crying like I was. I may get a little sad, eyes will water a bit, but it's not the heart aching pain kind of cry. I know Bill would want that. And I know I sure would. I wouldn't want someone to stop living after I have died. Life is to be lived. Life is hard and life is tough. Nobody ever said it was easy. If it was, I don't think we'd appreciate it like we should. And I thought I heard him not too long ago in the middle of the night. Someone shouted out my name and it sounded just like him. It wasn't Robert because he was out of town. Maybe he's telling me he's at peace. Bill's headstone has been placed and I ca

My niece Sally came out for her 2nd consult of 5 different places. After hearing the somber news that her regular oncologist and the University of Minnesota said that there wasn't anything else they could do, we were afraid that the rest were going to follow suit. Well, Dr. Clary at UCSD couldn't have made this family ANY happier. He gave us a renewed feeling of hope and encouragement. After sitting with him for almost an hour and going over treatment options, we feel like we have a little more bounce in our step. Sally had hoped to get in to Mayo Clinic before her takedown surgery (colostomy reversal), but the soonest they told her she could get in was Nov. 10th. Well, Dr. Clary said he has a colleague and friend that works at Mayo that does the exact same type of surgery as he does and he is also HIGHLY skilled in his field and one of the best. His name is also Dr. Cleary. Pronounced the same only spelled differently. Anyway, he said let me give him a call right now and see

Yesterday my niece Sally (I call her Sal E. Mander) arrived in town. We are heading up to UCSD today for another treatment option. We had a long talk last night over dinner when I asked her if she was anxious or excited about her upcoming appointment. Tears welled up in her eyes, and she just sat that for a moment not able to say anything. She said she did have 1 consultation already last week with the University of Minnesota's Oncology Clinic. They told her that there wasn't anything more they could do for her than what was being done or had been done in St. Paul at her current clinic. She said it's hard living with an incurable disease. I can't even imagine. Right now all they can do is keep it at "bay" until it progresses. Next week she goes to MD Anderson, the following week she and her husband will go to Memorial Sloan Kettering in New York. The 26th she's having her takedown surgery (removal of her colostomy bag). Then she'll head to Mayo Clinic

Yesterday, watching the early morning news, they were showing a segment from a limo accident that killed a group of young people that were going to a 30th birthday party celebration. Watching that brought back a lot of haunted images from the site of my brother's fatal accident in May. I had to eventually turn it off as it was just too raw for me to even bare. The family losing not just 1 life, but MULTIPLE! I don't even know where you would begin to even grieve. Seriously! Today is one of my WAY off days. I don't know if there is a new moon or a full moon on it's way but something is out there messing with my head. I didn't sleep well last night. My head is just full of way too much and my dreams, which never really made sense before, are really jacked up now. So, anywhoooo, I'm on my way to work this morning (GAG), and I noticed that the tire pressure was low, REALLY REALLY low at 7 psi. Yep, I pulled over and called my husband, who is currently out of town.